Listening to: My Chemical Romance - Helena.
Fast Cars and Shooting Stars.
The lights flash by, brighter than ever. They flood my sight quickly, but disappear in an instant.
He hits the gas, and I’m thrown back into my seat.
It’s both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, like a rollercoaster. My spinning head wants to get off this ride, but the intense beating of my heart says, ‘Go faster.’
Like the expert he is, the car easily manoeuvres around the slowing traffic. We speed through intersections, taking risks as he guns it through the red lights. Horns are beeping wildly all around, but they’re easily drowned out by the bestial roar of the engine under our hood.
A part of me has missed this feeling. The feeling of adrenaline coursing through my veins, the feeling of being stupid and having no consequences.
I glance over at him, and he peeks back at me. A part of me has missed the feeling of being with him, being in love.
He smirks, eyes still set on the road. “Take a look out the window.”
Confused, I turn my head. I gasp.
The world around has vanished in the velocity. Now, all that’s left is the darkness of the night and the streaks of light rushing by, like stars of the universe. I stare, entranced at the sheer beauty.
Shooting stars. The one thing I’ve always wished to see.
“It’s amazing.” I murmur.
“I know.”
I don’t want to close my eyes, for fear I’ll miss even a second of it. And for the rest of the trip, we sit in silence.
Until, that is, like all good things, it comes to an end.
We pull up back to my driveway, and I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed about it.
If he hadn’t called me up, if I hadn’t agreed to come for one last drive, would I have ever been able to witness such a thing again?
It doesn’t matter though, what’s done is done. And they should be left done.
I open the door to get out of the car. “Thanks.. for tonight.”
He looks genuinely happy as he smiles down at me. “You’re welcome.”
Slowly, he leans in.
So do I.
Our lips barely graze before something washes over me.
I regain myself and pull away, leaving him puzzled.
“This was such a mistake.” I whisper, my breath exhaling as a cloud of white in the freezing night.
“No, it wasn’t.”
He brings his hand to brush my face, but I pull away.
“I’m sorry.” I say, not able to stand it any longer. “Like I said before, tonight is the last night. There’s nothing left between us anymore. Please, just move on with your life. Forget about me.”
Finally, with all the willpower left in me, I get out and start to leave.
“Wait..”
I hesitate before looking over my shoulder.
“Before I go,” he says, out the window of his car. “Tell me something profound.”
I shake my head. “Sorry, I don’t have anything for you. ‘Profound’ isn’t my style.”
I turn back to leave.
Before I reach my doorstep, he calls out across the lawn.
“We both know that’s a lie. Every word you’ve ever spoken has always been profound. Now, I’ve given you your shooting stars for inspiration, yet you don’t have anything for me?”
I don’t face him and stay silent instead.
However, he continues. “Didn’t they move you? Didn’t they make you wise, like you used to say?”
His words force me to remember those conversations we’d have, lying on the roof of his car, minutes after midnight, when the stars shined the brightest.
“What inspires you?” I feel the vibrations of his voice as my head rests on his warm chest.
“The stars.”
“The stars?” He repeats.
“Yeah. The stars.” I stare up at the sky. “They’re beautiful, like little explosions of light. And the wisdom they bring is like nothing this world has ever seen.”
“That’s intense.” He laughs.
“I wish one day, I could see a shooting star.” I close my eyes. “Just once..”
I’m brought back to the present, as I stand at the doorstep to my house.
“Maybe back then, I would’ve replied with something wise, something philosophical enough for your taste. But now, I know for sure.. There’s no wisdom to be found in fast cars and shooting stars.”
I open the door and step inside.
But just as I shut the door, I swear, in the deathly silence of the night, I heard his whisper slither through the crack, “That’s all I asked for.”
Then, the effects of the joyride kick in. My head spins as I collapse in a heap against the front door and the memories of that night, from a year ago, flood back.
After a few moments of silence, I speak up.
“What inspires you to race?” I ask him.
He wears that trademark smirk of his. “You.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to hear what you tell every other girl. I want to hear what you honestly think.”
Surprised by my bluntness, he smiles. Gently, he strokes my cheek.
“I don’t know. I guess.. It’s the speed, and the freedom that comes with it. There are no limits when I’m in that seat .Racing.. It lets you forget the all bad stuff, you know? Just forget what you’ve done and what you’ll probably do. It’s the rush of adrenaline. And the feeling you get when you run your last lap and come first across the finish line. It’s like you’ve won more than the race. You’ve won respect and most importantly, you’ve won the right to believe in yourself again.”
He leans on one arm and looks at me. “It’s kind of like what I feel when I’m with you. You make all the things I don’t want to remember disappear, as if I were a new man. And that, by the way, is something that I’ve never told to another girl.”
Then, he kissed me.
You’ve always known what to say to keep me by your side.
But this time, I won’t be there.
I couldn’t have turned you into a new man, even if I tried.
There’s just too many things and too much time that I can’t simply erase.
You might think of me as what inspires you to race - what inspires you to be better, but truthfully, you and I are certain of only one thing.
The you from the past, present and future? That you.. won't ever change.
If anything, though, I want you to know this.
Know that I won’t be there, waiting for you at the finish line.
No, not this time. Or ever again.
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