Listening to: Calvin Harris – Feels So Close [Cam Paget Remix]
Selfish.
I’ve always felt that crying was selfish.
Unless nobody sees it.
It’s selfish because the raw emotions of your inner self are put on display, for everyone to see.
It forces all who witness it to acknowledge all your problems.
Your troubles, your complexities, your trivial little inconveniences.
Nobody wants to see it.
Nobody wants to know about it.
They know it’s there. Hidden deep within you. In the crevices of your heart.
But that doesn’t mean they want to care.
They only fake sincerity and sympathy because it’s what society deems as the ‘right’ thing to do.
They only feign pity to save face.
In reality, you only manage to embarrass yourself and aggravate others.
All your tears serve to do is create awkwardness.
Do you really think they care?
Do you honestly believe they want to hear your pathetic little sob stories?
How dare you think that your problems outweigh theirs?
If anything, you should be the one dabbing their eyes with tissues, lending your shoulder for them to lean on.
Your problems are insignificant.
Because when they need you, you’re there by their side in a heartbeat.
You’re ready to spend hours, days, weeks! Just to get them back on their feet.
But you don’t deserve five fucking minutes of their time.
No, you don’t receive that privilege.
They live faster lives than you.
They have greater difficulties than you.
And apparently, they have better friends than you.
They say you’re the best friend in the world.
You’re the friend to confide in. To ask for advice from. To depend on.
But don’t think for a second that it means they want to deal with your life too.
Sure, we all want to be loved and needed. It’s human nature.
And we form these relationships by sharing our deepest private thoughts. The quickest way to form a bond.
Affection, fear, sadness. The basis of all emotions. But the hardest to explain.
So, how can you call yourselves friends when all they do is talk and never listen?
Most of the time, your feelings are never taken seriously or just simply ignored. They remain unnoticed.
And the bond is never completed.
And eventually, you find it’s just easier that way.
To ignore it.
That way you don’t have to put people in that uncomfortable position.
They won’t ever live up to your expectations anyway.
No matter how you try to hint what you need from them, they won’t see it.
The people you love and care for so deeply won’t ever return the feelings the same exact way you do.
They’re blinded by their own frantic circumstances.
They’re only concerned with themselves.
And your existence becomes secondary.
Your devotion is incomprehensible and they simply can’t match up to it on their own.
It’s unfathomable why you care so damn much.
Why do you care?
It’s just who you are.
You thought opening up would bring you closer but it’s only made you recognise the distance between the two of you.
The giant canyon that widens and separates your hearts.
Finally, you see the smiling facades that seal away the frowns.
Yes, you will continue to be there for them.
Except now with the added knowledge that while you will work to understand them and try your best to be what they need, whether it be a friend, a lover, a confidant, an advisor or a saviour, they won’t be doing the same for you.
While nothing changes, you eventually choose to let it go.
You just forget it and throw it away.
That desire for an intimate relationship.
And so, you tuck those emotions away, back into the confines of your soul, swearing to yourself that you’ll never be so selfish again.
Instead of the relationship you want, you end up allowing yourself to be the crutch.
The doormat.
You give in.
In the end,
You let them be selfish.
imagecredit: Audrey Kawasaki
Behind the Story
.jpg)
