selfish.

2.24am, 8th of November, 2011.
Listening to: Calvin Harris – Feels So Close [Cam Paget Remix]

Selfish.
I’ve always felt that crying was selfish.

Unless nobody sees it.

It’s selfish because the raw emotions of your inner self are put on display, for everyone to see.

It forces all who witness it to acknowledge all your problems.

Your troubles, your complexities, your trivial little inconveniences.

Nobody wants to see it.

Nobody wants to know about it.

They know it’s there. Hidden deep within you. In the crevices of your heart.

But that doesn’t mean they want to care.

They only fake sincerity and sympathy because it’s what society deems as the ‘right’ thing to do.

They only feign pity to save face.

In reality, you only manage to embarrass yourself and aggravate others.

All your tears serve to do is create awkwardness.

Do you really think they care?

Do you honestly believe they want to hear your pathetic little sob stories?

How dare you think that your problems outweigh theirs?

If anything, you should be the one dabbing their eyes with tissues, lending your shoulder for them to lean on.

Your problems are insignificant.

Because when they need you, you’re there by their side in a heartbeat.

You’re ready to spend hours, days, weeks! Just to get them back on their feet.

But you don’t deserve five fucking minutes of their time.

No, you don’t receive that privilege.

They live faster lives than you.

They have greater difficulties than you.

And apparently, they have better friends than you.

They say you’re the best friend in the world.

You’re the friend to confide in. To ask for advice from. To depend on.

But don’t think for a second that it means they want to deal with your life too.

Sure, we all want to be loved and needed. It’s human nature.

And we form these relationships by sharing our deepest private thoughts. The quickest way to form a bond.

Affection, fear, sadness. The basis of all emotions. But the hardest to explain.

So, how can you call yourselves friends when all they do is talk and never listen?

Most of the time, your feelings are never taken seriously or just simply ignored. They remain unnoticed.

And the bond is never completed.

And eventually, you find it’s just easier that way.

To ignore it.

That way you don’t have to put people in that uncomfortable position.

They won’t ever live up to your expectations anyway.

No matter how you try to hint what you need from them, they won’t see it.

The people you love and care for so deeply won’t ever return the feelings the same exact way you do.

They’re blinded by their own frantic circumstances.

They’re only concerned with themselves.

And your existence becomes secondary.

Your devotion is incomprehensible and they simply can’t match up to it on their own.

It’s unfathomable why you care so damn much.

Why do you care?

It’s just who you are.

You thought opening up would bring you closer but it’s only made you recognise the distance between the two of you.

The giant canyon that widens and separates your hearts.

Finally, you see the smiling facades that seal away the frowns.

Yes, you will continue to be there for them.

Except now with the added knowledge that while you will work to understand them and try your best to be what they need, whether it be a friend, a lover, a confidant, an advisor or a saviour, they won’t be doing the same for you.

While nothing changes, you eventually choose to let it go.

You just forget it and throw it away.

That desire for an intimate relationship.

And so, you tuck those emotions away, back into the confines of your soul, swearing to yourself that you’ll never be so selfish again.

Instead of the relationship you want, you end up allowing yourself to be the crutch.

The doormat.

You give in.

In the end,

You let them be selfish.

imagecredit: Audrey Kawasaki

Behind the Story

Behind the Story.
This wasn’t written about just one person. It’s about everyone I’ve ever met. Yes, it is hard to admit, but it’s the truth. People don’t want to hear about pain. It’s terrible. It’s gut-wrenching. And it only spreads the depression around. That’s why you’ve got to just put on a brave face and get on with your life. Show the world you aren’t crumbling down. Show them you’re strong enough and that you can handle it. And when everyone else is falling apart, you’ll be there to lend a hand. Because you feel it’s your duty.

'I feel so close to you right now,
It's a force field.
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal.
Your love pours down on me, surround me like a waterfall.
And there's no stopping us right now,
I feel so close to you right now.'

We all want to be close to other people. It’s just who we are as humans. We want it so bad that we will devote ourselves to people. Whether they’re our friends or someone we’ve fallen in love with, we find ourselves doing anything and everything for them. Jumping through their hoops becomes the norm. Until one day comes the realisation that we’ve been taken for granted. That after all we’ve been through, we don’t get much in return. There’s no room to be self-centred here. Because we have others who depend so much on us, we don’t get to be selfish. And that’s a reality.

love like lightning.

6.22pm, 15th of October, 2011.
Listening to: Virtual Boy - Mass.

Love Like Lightning.
It’ll kill me.

But I don’t even care.

I think I love it.

The impending doom lurking above.

The dark, violet, indigo, grey of the clouds hover above, threatening to destroy everything ever adored or cherished.

Telling us to grab what we love before it turns to nothing but ashes and dust.

The black skies are warning us of the deadly quick hands of above, ready to snatch away whatever it can find.

They don’t discriminate or aim for anything in particular. But at the same time, they are merciless.

Lightning is like death.

Get struck by it once and you may not make it back in one piece, if at all.

And in saying that, lightning is also like love.

It electrocutes you. Burning a place into your soul, that is neither replaceable nor replicable. Nor is it easy to neglect.

If you survive it the first time, and bring yourself back before you hit the grave, chances are, you’ll never be able to look at life the same way as you did before.

You might live in fear, afraid of when that next bolt is going to hit. And forevermore, you’ll hide, sheltering yourself, protecting whatever fragility you have left.

Or, you might never be able to forget the intensity that electrified you in that one moment. That shock that made your heart beat faster than it ever had in your life.

And you might spend all the time you have left seeking that kind of feeling again, striving for it, knowing, but disregarding, the definite threat it all holds.

You know you won’t survive another encounter like that, yet the mere sound of the growling thunder that frightens young children and causes grown men to curse, still has the power to send shivers down your spine, leaving you with tingles.

Your insides feel like pins and needles, like the sound of white noise.

Your body, spiking with excitement, urges you to move forward, towards what you know will end you.

That feeling of the thrill that you thrive off of.

That is what I feel right now, in this very moment.

I raise my eyes up to the clouds and the world looks as though it’s about to reach its grand finale.

The sky is the darkened stage and we are the onlookers, waiting for the last encore.

Waiting for the blackness to be lit up and amaze us.

With the adrenaline running through my veins, I stand at the highest point I can find.

I close my eyes and feel the wind blow through my hair which billows out of control.

Even with no shooting stars in sight, I wish silently to myself.

‘I want a love like this..

A love that can’t be contained.

One that everyone can see..

But one that no one can stop.’

The thunder roars above my head like a fierce beast.

‘I want a love that will strike something within me that I’ve never felt before..

I want to feel that electricity in my bones, surging throughout me..’

The heavens crackle, thrashing about, and it feels as though the earth begins to shake.

A smile creeps its way upon my lips.

‘I want a love to jumpstart my dull heart.

I want it to leave a mark that I will never forget..’

One last boom erupts and I know for sure now.

‘Yeah, that’s the kind of love I want.’

imagecredit: weheartit

Behind the Story

You might think the person in this story is out of their mind. That they must be suicidal and in great need of help. But you know, they’re not as crazy as they seem. Is it really so insane to want death? Stop and think. Everything in this world is tangible except for death. Not even happiness, excitement, romance and love are concrete. Nothing is certain except for the end. If only all the things we held as important was as dependable as that.

“With lightning and with love, the clothes sound, the heart burned.”
- Spanish Proverb.

Even more so than love, I hear that death is one of the most enticing things you’ll ever come across. And with freedom so close within your reach who wouldn’t be tempted just that little bit? To be free of the bodies that contain us, constrict us from reaching our full potential, from being happy.. Isn’t that something worth giving it all up for?

seven deadly.

3.45am, 13th of June, 2011.
Listening to: Skrillex –WEEKENDS!!!.

Seven Deadly.
You, there.

Yes, you.

No, you don’t know us.

But, that’s about to change right now.

We’ve seen you around, admired your work and, well-

I think that you’d get along with us.

You seem like the type who’d know a good time.

Oh, the shenanigans we’d get up to.

Now, we’re not your typical crowd.

No, no.
We are very much unlike the rest.

What we do, and how we do it, is.. beyond typicality.

We are all you can possibly imagine, tenfold.

That is, if you can embrace us completely.

If you did that, well, your world would expand so very much more, so many new possibilities would be presented before you.

Hear us out.

Broaden your perspective for just a little while, sweetheart.

We have a proposition for you.

Close your eyes.

Think about what you want most in the world.
Got it?
Now, think of why it isn’t already in your possession.

Think of all the things that hold you back from receiving what you seek, achieving what you aim for.

And now, think of what it would be like if those obstacles didn’t exist. Visualize those constraints no longer holding you back, dragging you down.

This freedom you see at this very moment in your mind.. This is what we are.

We are your vindicators. Your liberation.

Possibilities would no longer be mere potential. They would be the physical. Within reach.

Nobody would be able to control us, we would do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We could laze around all day if we liked; not moving a single inch, not lifting even one finger, if that’s what we decided.

My, I can see it now. The sheer extravagance of it all.. The wild antics upon penthouse rooftops, in cities abundant in all the right places.. Opulence left, right and center. We’d bathe in the most expensive luxuries we could afford, and maybe more than a few that we couldn’t.

But why stop there? Bottles of the finest wine, platters and platters of the delectable, the sweetest delicacies known to man. We’d take what we pleased, waiting for no one’s permission or seal of approval. And when all is gone, returned to dust, we’d simply utter the word, ‘More.’

Tell me what you covet, love. Share with me the secret indulgences you keep. With one sultry glance, all that you crave, all you yearn for will be laid before your feet. The carnal instincts buried so far beneath could finally be unleashed. Together, we could do all the things you have been longing to do. And allow those burning passions within to, like a fever, take over your body and exonerate you from all those self-inflicted hindrances.

And like we said, nobody would try to stop us, control us, contain us! None of these dull souls would dare cross our radiant paths. Only stand by, powerless against us, with nothing to do but stare in awe of our great glory.

For once in their miserable lives, they’d finally be stripped of all the things these materialistic fools ever had, the ones they never deserved in the first place. Things they never cherished, only took for granted. For once, they’d look to us and want. We’d be what everyone else sought to be, what they all resented deep inside.

By the end of our spree, we’d have destroyed this grand old town. Taken it all down with us, just because. In the heat of our tempest, we would lose control of even ourselves. The wreckage will be magnificent. The destruction shall be bold. The history we would write would be nothing short of epic.

Can you imagine that?
Can your mind divulge in your heart’s deepest desires?

If you knew you had the power to emancipate yourself from your mortal restraints, what would you do?

Oh dear, would you look at the time!
We’ve carried on much too long.
Our apologies.

And we haven’t yet introduced ourselves!
How rude of us.

Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Pride, Envy and Wrath.
The Seven Deadly Sins.

We tend to bring out the worst in you.

But don’t fret, love.

I assure you
It’ll be such fun along the way.

imagecredit: http://w-i-l-d-a-t-h-e-a-r-t.blogspot.com/

Behind the Story

Nobody’s perfect. But nobody’s perfectly imperfect either. It’s all good and well to imagine a life completely in tune with your morals, to be kind and virtuous and blah blah blah.. But what if we were to do the opposite? Give in to the corruption? Turn off the side of us that cares. We’d be happy, at least. Doing what we truly wanted to, without concern of consequences and fear of repercussion. If by chance, one day, somebody offered you that option, would you even hesitate?

‘I think you and my friends
Should hang out
On the weekends.'

I like to think that in this piece, each sin had its own voice. For example, Lust would of course been a woman, whose voice could entice a thousand men. Envy would be a little edgy, a little more attitude than the rest. Nevertheless, they would all be very classy, holding themselves completely composed. They would be the VIP group, the It crowd that everyone wanted to be a part of. They would do the things we all dreamt of but were too afraid to even grasp.

cross my heart.

2.10am, 6th of May, 2011.
Listening to: Kanon Wakeshima – Suna no Oshiro [DJ AMAYA VS. GROOVEBOT REMIX].

Cross My Heart.
Once, you asked me if I believed in true love and I said no.

You told me you'd show me what love really was.

Words of pure fiction and fantasy, I now realise.

"I promise you," you had said. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

Well, you didn't keep your promise.

But you did make me believe.

Shame it was in something that didn't even exist in the first place.

So now, I'll make sure you keep the other half of your promise.

Today, I will cross your heart.

I will break it apart into a million pieces, never able to be whole again.

And then..

When there's nothing left in your soul,

When you feel the emptiness clawing at your insides,

When you feel yourself gradually ripping apart,

Until you reach that final point when you feel all faith is lost..

That's when you will truly hope that death will consume you.

You will beg on your hands and knees for it.

Because that will be the last and only way you'll be able to escape the pain.

And that favour, will be the one I'll be happy to do for you.

To grant you your dying wish.

To grant you your death.

I will do that for you.

Though you did nothing for me.

I will keep my word.

I promise.

Cross my heart.

imagecredit: http://solongspaceman.tumblr.com/

Behind the Story

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Yes, this story is a bit exaggerative, but the basic feelings are not. This is not a girl who will sit at home crying with a tub of chocolate ice cream. No, this is a girl who is ready to get even. Love brings out emotions that have never even been seen before.. And the thirst for revenge is one of them. Love can be deadly, but heart-break can be fatal.

‘The prayer is on the verge of vanishing.
In spite of that, it’s fanned by this wind
And yet, this burning doesn’t cease.

Throughout, I get tangled many times.
That castle of sand made by my ice cold hands
Is swept away by an ambushing wave
Towards you.’

Sometimes we make promises that we aren't entirely sure we can keep. May it be the silly ones that we make as kids, the ones that are sealed with two entwined pinkies, or the major ones like the vows we make at our wedding in front of a crowd. 'Til death do us part', for example. It's a rule that has been broken time and time again. So much so that they've nearly become empty words. The promises we make can't be taken so lightly. When you swear to do something, follow through. Or maybe someday someone will hold you to that promise, willing or not. So, maybe think again the next time you utter the words, “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

there.

11.45pm, 10th of February, 2011.
Listening to: OneRepublic - Say (All I Need).

There.
I have never been loved.

Not loved in the way I want to have been loved.

Nor have I ever sincerely loved.

I’ve only favoured the idea of being the centre of adoration.

It’s sad, but I crave the attention.

Aspiring to gain love, but never really working to maintain it.

That’s all I could hope to achieve.

So, no, I have never been really loved.

I have never felt the warmth in my heart when the person I love looks at me.

I have never felt the pain in my heart when the person I love looks at another.

I have never felt the butterflies in my stomach or the adrenaline coursing through my veins when our lips meet for the first time.

This love.. is a foreign language to me.

And though I have never truly been in love before,

And I have never even come close to finding it in my life,

I miss it.

I yearn for it.

I’m reaching out for it..

But it’s just beyond my fingertips.

It’s almost like I’ve lost something that I treasured very much.

Maybe, like past lovers, I once shared a heart with somebody; belonged to them.

Could it be that there is an invisible string tied to my soul?

Tugging on my spirit, and trying to bring me closer to that one I’m to be with?

Maybe, it’s just a matter of fate.

Destiny.

Premeditation.

And my very core aches for it.

For it to come as soon as possible.

For it to come and awaken me from my deep slumber within.

To release my locked up emotions.

To free myself up to the opportunity for love.

So now, I’m waiting for that day.

The day that it shows up on my doorstep.

Right there in front of me.

With a smile that sends shivers down my spine.

imagecredit: http://j-town.deviantart.com

Behind the Story

Where is ‘There’? ‘There’ is the ultimate destination. The finality of the journey. The happy ending. It’s the place everybody wants to get to in the end, when everything else has turned to dust, meaningless and faded. ‘There’ is where happiness is at its highest point. ‘There’ is love. Care. Warmth. The story is about the strange feeling of missing something you never had in the first place. A strange sensation of knowing. Knowing without a doubt that there is something more, that is destined to happen. But it’s also about the sadness that comes with it and even more so, the hope.

‘Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something,
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted.’

Though things don’t turn out as they should, nothing can keep true love apart. If you can sense it, no matter how small an inkling it may be, it’ll happen. There’s no such thing as giving up on love, because if it wasn’t worth fighting for, then it wasn’t worth keeping. It was not real love. But if you honestly care for someone, don’t let go, and don’t give in. One day, each one of us will reach that place of pure ecstasy. Someday, we’ll get ‘There’.

blink twice.

2.36pm, 5th of January, 2011.
Listening to: Mike Posner – Please Don’t Go.

Blink Twice.
A glint of sunlight hits my face and dazzles my eyes. A new day has begun, yet I can’t even remember the last 24 hours.

It’s all a distant blur. Flashes of bright lights.. Pounding of bass speakers.. A sea of swaying bodies forever in perpetual motion..

A night that took its toll on me.

The bed is warm. Warmer than the empty coldness that I’m used to.

I rack my memory to figure out what happened when I got home the night before.

Then, a familiar but foreign scent ignites something in me.

A sweet smell, but not sickly so, enraptures me. It’s here, in the room with me. Beside me.

And then it all rushes back. Every touch, every moan, every gasp and every “I love you” flooding back into my head.

Her smooth skin against mine.

Like silk, the pleasure of it brushing over me.

It felt right.

And I don’t even know her name.

All my life, everything has been planned out.

My education, my job, my relationships; everything taken step by step.

That’s just the kind of person I am.

That is, until now.

I’ve always needed my life spread out before me.

I hated surprises.

And, before last night, I would’ve never done anything like this.

Not without questions like, ‘What happens after?’, or ‘Is this a mistake?’

But even so, I don’t feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel lost.

No, for once in my life, I feel at ease.

With myself.

And most importantly, with her.

Even if I don’t know her name, I don’t care.

Even if I was unsure of what would happen in the next few minutes, I was sure that she would feel the same.

So, with this courage flaring up inside me, I reach over across the bed.

And when I pull open the sheet..

All I find was a warm but very bare space, and a note.

Confused, I pick it up and read.

One word was written across the small piece of paper.

‘Thanks.’

And with that one word, I know I’ve screwed up.

But somehow, I still can’t wipe this smile off my face.

I walk out into the day, shielding my eyes from the rising sun’s rays.

I look up. The sky is a hazy orange, like a glass of freshly popped cognac.

An irksome migraine pounds on the side of my skull, reminding me with one throb, two throbs, three, that my body shouldn’t even be up at this ungodly hour.

But lucky for me, nobody else is awake to see me this way.

A thin layer of makeup still remains on my face from the night before.

Traces of eyeliner still smudged in the corner of my eyes..

A dash of my favourite garnet shade lipstick still smeared across my lips..

My hair is tied in a quick bun, just so I don’t look like I’ve been stuck in the eye of a hurricane.

My clothes are messily thrown on in my attempt to hastily sneak out the door, and my feet ache like I’ve just run a marathon in these heels.

Finally I get to rest a while as I dump myself on a seat in the empty subway carriage.

I close my eyes for a little while.

Thinking back to the room I woke up in, and the man I woke up next to, I can’t help but wonder if he’s noticed that I’m gone.

I don’t remember a lot of what went on last night.

The last thing I remember when I was sober is my friends dragging me out to the city after what seemed like weeks of being cooped up inside my room.

“You need a night out. You need to get over him.”

That’s what they told me.

And that’s when it began.

The fragmented pieces of my memory don’t do much for me.

But what I do remember..

A tiny recollection..

Of being loved.

But not just loved.

Appreciated. Cherished. Held close. Really, truly loved.

And isn’t that strange?

To feel something like that from a person whose name I don’t even know?

I remember thinking at one point, lying in his arms, ‘I could get used to this’.

It’s just been so long since I’ve even gotten close to this kind of feeling, and I’m grateful for it.

I suppose that’s why just before I closed the door, I decided to leave that message for him.

‘Thanks.’

Because I really was thankful.

And I’m glad I came out last night.

imagecredit: http://lovetrains.blogspot.com

Behind the Story

This story is told from two perspectives. A guy and a girl who wake up one morning after a drunken night out, without any recollection of what went on. All they remember is a moment of bliss they both shared together. For both of them, it’s a big risk.. Taking a chance on what could’ve ended up as a horrible mistake. But by some miracle, they found something they never knew they could find. A kind of love that had no difficulties. A man who has gone through his life following a never-ending plan and a girl who felt all love was lost. Who would’ve known?

‘Baby, please don't go.
If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?
I don't know if you feel the way I do,
If you leave I'm gon' find you.
Baby please don't go.’

It’s a new year, which means it’s time to start over. Forget past mistakes and fallen relationships. Begin anew. In this ever changing world, what are the chances that two people can find each other a second time? Fate is one thing, but chance is another. When you find something that you love, don’t let it go. One morning it might disappear; blink twice and it’s gone.