breathe in blue.

10.40pm, 5th of March, 2012.
Listening to: Birds of Tokyo – Broken Bones.

Breathe In Blue.
I can’t breathe.

This damned house is suffocating me.

There’s no air here anymore.

I need to get out.

It used to be a home.

A place of warmth, safety and security.

Now it just feels like a stone cold jail cell and I’m waiting for the day they announce that my time is up.

The day I’m freed.

But the longer I wait, the more I can feel my chest tighten.

Because I know what’s out there isn’t much better than staying in.

In the end, no matter where I go, I’m alone.

Alone, yet still a waste of oxygen that belongs to someone more deserving.

I feel the air growing thinner and thinner everywhere I walk.

And I’m losing hope fast.

To have something to hold on to, someone to cling to..

Is that so much to ask for?

Even in the most crowded of places, I walk at a distance from the rest.

Even in the emptiest, widest space I can find, I must still keep it all to myself.

Even with the brightest smile on my face, I am miserable.

So, why shouldn’t I give up?

There is nothing of value to me in that house..

And not a thing out here either.

Even if something good is waiting for me, wouldn’t it just turn sour in the end too?

Shouldn’t I just save my breath?

Isn’t it easier that way?

To prevent the problem before it arises?

To destroy any chance of heartbreak and disappointment before it has the chance to destroy me?

Even the sky and the moon and the ocean don’t dare to answer me..

I know what I’m supposed to do.

I’m supposed to take it all in my stride.

Forgive and forget.

I’m supposed to pick myself up and move on.

Yet, blow after blow after blow, followed by a barrage of bullets, while I gasp for air, I find myself rethinking whether it’s worth getting back up again.

I know they say, no matter how bad you think you’ve got it, there’s someone else in the world that has it worse.

But for all I care, they can have my life.

I’m too tired, alone and empty to enjoy it anyway.

So whoever’s out there, you can take it.

Take it all.

Take this privileged life that I don’t deserve and live it like I should have.

Because the only way I’ll be able to breathe again is when my lungs fail to function and my heart ceases to beat.

I’m sure that there’s a deep blue place out there for me, where I can finally exhale in relief.

imagecredit: weheartit

Behind the Story

It’s not that there’s a reason to hate life. Nobody should hate their life, unless they have a legitimate reason. But there comes a moment where you start to realise that there’s nothing worth.. anything. Breathing isn’t complicated, it’s not difficult to do. It’s subconscious. We do it to survive. But when breathing starts to become hard, when depression starts so sink in, what can we do?

“These broken bones,
This busted smile,
My head it hurts,
I should be leaving now.
I hear your words,
They call my name,
I won't go back,
You must be out of your head.

You say I'm wrong,
You say I'm mad,
If I stay here,
I'll never make it back.
I hear your words,
They call my name,
I won't go back,
You must be out of your head.”

Please, forgive my sad little self. There’s a dark place in all of us. We all start to wonder what the hell we’re doing. Why we’re still sticking around. What are we waiting for? I guess I’m stupid. But so is life. I wonder what else we have in common.