it was nothing.

3.01am, 11th of December, 2012.
Listening to: Alesso & Dirty South – City Of Dreams.

It Was Nothing.

“Wow,” he said, breathing heavily. “That was.. thanks.”

He pulled away.
As did I.

I leant my head on his shoulder, burying my face into the soft cotton of his shirt.

“Oh, it was nothing,” was my quietly murmured reply.

Absent-mindedly, I’d spoken the first words I could think of, as if I’d just leant him a pen to use, or I’d done him a quick errand.

I bit my bottom lip, to steady my nerves.
It was my first time being this way.

Being so carefree.
Having no strings to tie me down.
Allowing myself to be so flippant with my actions.
And forgetting about the consequences.

I never thought it could be this easy.
No games, no one-ups.
No lies, no fights.
If I'd known earlier, I’d have saved myself a lot of heartache.

That’s what I thought, back then.
At that moment, I thought I was finally happy for the first time in a long time.
Little did I know how short lived it would be.
Nor did I even consider what kind torturous emotions it would later enforce in me.

It excited me, then.
How simple and fun life could be when I threw out those silly notions of love, true or otherwise, and instead given into the alluring pleasures of lust.
Selfish, seductive, spur-of-the-moment lust.

Forgo the names, the awkward exchanges and skip to the part we all really wanted.
Nothing intrigued me more.
I’d had a taste of it once when I was much more innocent and naive, but thought nothing of it.
I hadn’t enjoyed it then, but tonight, that night, we were playing by my rules.

Of course, he was startled at first. Even I had shocked myself with my newfound confidence.
But my eyes were hazy, my lips were dry and I thought nothing of it, once I realised he was kissing me back.

As soon as it started, it ended. To this day, I still don’t quite recall what happened in between the moments our lips touched and finally drew apart.
All that mattered to me, though for the next day, was that my head was spinning, and inside it were whirlwinds of pure bliss.

I was glad for myself, to be able to enjoy feeling wanted like that. And wanting him in the same way.

But I was also glad for him. I had treated him far better than any other girl had, I could tell from how he often shied away.

He’d been broken, too. Like me.
So, he too deserved a night of happiness.

One thought did cross my mind, however.
A single thought that was enough to ruin my good mood.

‘Did he even like it?’

And from there, billions of questions exploded into my brain.
Doubt filled up my head.

Had I, looking like a complete mess, made an utter fool of myself in front of him?

I did my best to brush these thoughts aside.
What did it matter anyway, if I’d never see him again?

But once again, my train of thought would be rerouted without my consent.

I’d decided years ago, that my heart was already empty.
That I was officially devoid of affection, and of attraction to other people.
I told myself that my heart wouldn’t just swell up and beat faster at the first sight of a person, or at the mere mention of their name.
I convinced myself that the butterflies in my stomach were already extinct, and that their dried up wings would never flutter again.
Those were solely clichés told in the kinds of films and fantasies that I didn’t believe in any more.

I was done with trying to feel love.

Until one day, he showed up in front of me.

He was still as charming as he was in that blurred moment.
At first, I thought we’d play it cool. We’d act like nothing had happened and carry on with our lives.

Alas, he thought otherwise. It was as though it were the only thing on his mind since then.

He was unlike anybody I’d ever met.
He was genuine, caring and..
Honestly spoke what he felt.
Which was a change for me.

I’d never heard such beautiful words spoken directly to me.
So, no surprise that it was probably the kick that sent me off the edge.

Suddenly, a barely familiar sensation erupted in my stomach. They were back.
The feelings I thought had died long before spiked up again.
And I was dreading it.

For I knew, that it wouldn’t be long.
It was only a matter of time before it all started up again.
The games, the mistrust, the jealousy, the anger.

I was happy once.
Happy in my own world, where I didn’t have to feel the pain of love.
And now..

I wish that night had remained what it was supposed to be.
It should’ve been and should’ve gone on to be nothing.
It was nothing.
I swore it was.

But I knew deep down, nothing never stays that way.

imagecredit: weheartit

Behind the Story

She was ready to accept it all. Ready to embrace her emotional handicap. Ready to move on from the past. Ready to forget about the present. Ready to look forward to the future. But we all know that there’s no such thing. Just when you think you’ve found what you want, you’re wrong. Your heart pulls you in the opposite direction. And you can try, but it’s a long and treacherous road back. Just as you reach that city of dreams, like a snagged piece of wool from a sweater, you’re yanked back and unravelling fast.

‘Everything seems
Like a city of dreams.
I’ll never know why,
But I still miss you.

There she's standing,
In a field of lights.
I close my eyes,
And I still miss you.’

The games we play are the ones that lead to our destruction. Life is so much easier without them. With honesty and compassion, happiness is within our grasp. But the distrust we have for one another will never allow it. That’s why there’s no such thing as a perfect lustful nothing moment. Because either you’re unhappy with what you had and discard them, or you’re selfish with what you’ve got and smother them. Either way, you have no control.